Strap-Up or Suit-Up

I know a lot of people wish there was a “Return/Exchange Policy” on baby mama’s and baby daddy’s.  I’m sure there are some folk who wish you could “Build-A-Dad/Mom” like you Build-A-Bear…lmao.  Not that simply.  A lot of people will argue, “that’s why you should be careful who you lay down with….people should stop handing over their goods without checking qualifications first.”  Yea, well…just like a job…somebody could’ve put in a good word, vouched for their character, and because they knew somebody that knew somebody; all the particulars were bypassed.  Not all hookups end in disaster.  Not saying it’s right, just saying shit happens.   We don’t know a person’s story. 

What we do know is that it takes two people to produce a baby (child), and it would only make sense that it would take two people to parent that child.  There are more single-parent households in the U.S. than Lil Tunechi, Drake and Trey Songz have mixtapes.  According to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2007, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in November, 2009, there are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States as of 2010, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.8 million children.  Just imagine what the statistics will look like for 2011.  SMDH…

Now, I’m not writing about the number of single-parent households in the U.S., but, I did want you to be aware of the statistics.

What I am writing about, however, is the lack of participation/partnership by some parent(s). 

What does it mean when parents say they’re “watching their kid(s)?”  As a parent you CAN’T technically “watch” your own child.  That’s an oxymoron.  It amazes me how often you hear about mothers and fathers of children calling the absent parent, or even asking the parent that lives in the same household, if they would “watch” their child while the other goes off to do whatever. 

You have some parents that act like it’s a burden or a bother when you ask them to come and get their son/daughter(s) because there’s something you have to do.  You have some parents that act like it’s a burden or a bother when you ask them to come and get their son/daughter(s) because you just simply need a break.  You’re not asking them to donate a kidney to someone they don’t know; you’re asking them to spend time with THEIR child, you’re asking them to be relevant, you’re asking them to be a parent!

I’ve heard people say, “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes out to dinner” or “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes out to the club” or “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes to the barbershop/beauty salon” or “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes off to be with him/her.”  (That’s my favorite….lol).

First, of all, take the word “watching” out of the statement and replace it with “spending time.” Now, read those statements over and see how utterly RIDICULOUS they sounds.  My question is this:  What freakin’ difference does it make!?  What does it matter to you where the hell they go or what the hell they do?  All that should matter is that for that time, for that hour, two hours, however long they’re gone, you get to be an active part of your child’s life.  You get to spend time with your child that you may or may not have gotten to otherwise.  You get to be relevant.  You get to be a…ummm…parent!

Then what gets me is when the mama/daddy doesn’t call you to spend time with your child.  What gets me is when “Keisha” or “Craig” says, “Baby, I’ll watch him/her while you go to the store,” and they can say that (watch) because the child(ren) isn’t theirs!

But you better shut the back door!  Shut it, lock it, and nail it down because when the baby mama/daddy gets whiff that you left “their child” with Keisha and Craig…ALL HELL’S GONNA BREAK LOOSE! Now, all of a sudden irrelevant parents want to become relevant.  Now, nonparents want to become parents.  But nooooo….couldn’t get them to play mama/daddy when you needed some “me” time.  Couldn’t get them to play mama/daddy when they should just want to play mama/daddy.  That’s too much like right.

Sooo,  what you mad fo’?  LOL…

But hold, on…because there’s always a flip side to everything. 

I know it’s hard for some people to believe that this parenting thing truly is a life-time commitment and some people, both men and women, just aren’t cut out for it.  Okay, I get it.  However, Keisha and Craig…shouldn’t be over somebody else’s house playing “Daddy Daycare” or “Mommy Make-It Better” to somebody else’s child(ren) when they can’t be mama/daddy to their own. (Got’s to be more careful!)

I said all of that when I really just want to say this.  There comes a time in life where we are forced to grow up and that time comes (or should come) when we have kids, if not before.  No one should have to make you do anything when it comes to you taking care of your responsibilities.  No one should have to make you pay support for someone you helped create.  No one should have to make you spend time with your child (every other weekend, Thanksgiving and ½ the day on Christmas..get the fuck outta here!) that’s something you should want to do.  Whatever “beef” you have with your baby mama/daddy (pending there is one) don’t make the child suffer because of it. 

What I mean by that is: 

·         DON’T NOT SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILD BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE HIS MAMA/DADDY (shit, at one time you did..lol). 

·         DON’T NOT SEND YOUR CHILD TO THEIR MAMA/DADDY’S HOUSE AND ALLOW THEM TIME TO SPEND WITH HER/HIM BECAUSE YOU’RE NO LONGER AN ITEM (get over it already…)

·         DON’T NOT SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILD BECAUSE YOU WANT TO WATCH THE GAME/REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATL AND YOUR BABY MAMA/DADDY WANTS TO GO TO THE STORE/SHOOT BALL (sit them down with you or DVR it for later…better yet, catch the rerun..it will come on again)

 Look at these times as opportunities you may not otherwise have.  Cease the moments.

Parenting is a 50/50 responsibility, or at least it should be, whether you’re together, live in the same household, not together, or live separately.  It doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter because your child is your child.  Don’t become a “non motherfucking factor” because you on some bullshit.  Now, if you’re just not a good parent, you’re just not a good parent and maybe it’s best that you keep your distance, ya know?  But if you’re capable of parenting and you’re simply trying to hurt the other parent or claim you don’t have time…stop with the bullshit, make time to spend time with your child.  Shit, you make time for everything and everybody else.  Make time to spend time with your child(ren)!

Being a parent isn’t something you can simply do one day and decide you don’t wanna do the next.  Well, at least it shouldn’t be, but there are always exceptions…smdh

In closing I want to say this, if parenting isn’t something you’re cut out for you have one of two options:  Strap-up or Suit-up .  If you strap-up then you won’t have to worry about any of the above.  Just remember that failure to strap-up will result in you having to suit- up and if that’s the case, I’ma need you to warm up, because homie you’re up!  Yes, you! You’re on deck!

S/N:  Children are blessings and not burdens.  You are somebody’s child and either you want what you had as a child, for your child, or you want better.  Be an advocate for a healthy destiny and not the opponent of it.

Reference:  Ask,com Single Parent Statistics by Jennifer Wolf; United States. Census Department. Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2007. By Timothy S. Grall. Census, 2009. 26 Feb. 2010 [http://www.census.gov/prod/2009pubs/p60-237.pdf].

"Soon You'll Understand"

“Soon You’ll Understand”

 I wrote a note a titled, “The Making of a Superhero” where I talked about brothers who were playing these games with women.  Having us thinking they wanted to be with us, that we were their only one when we were simply one of many, their lies, the manipulation and so forth and so on.  Well, I still feel that there are men that do these things.  Play these type of games and aren’t honest, but what about the ones who are?  What about the ones who “lay it on the table” and “spell it out” for us, but we don’t listen?  What I’m asking is this:

 We’re always wanting men to fess up and take responsibility for their actions, but when do we, and I’m talking about women, accept responsibility for ours?  The role we play in getting our own feelings hurt, because we do play a role.  It’s not always his fault.  Yea, we would like to believe it and we would like to blame it on him because we need someone to blame, and shit, we’re not going to point the finger at ourselves, right?   Of course, not.   Well, not all of us anyways.  But we have to admit that some of us women are just like them.  (Laughing)

Why would we point the fingers at ourselves?  They’re men and men ain’t shit!  We’re the victims, right?  Now, what I’m about to say, yea, there’s a lot that may not agree and that’s okay.  Shoot, at one point in time I didn’t either and this is the reason for the title “Maybe We Should Talk About It” because everybody don’t see everything the same way; from the same POV (point of view), if this were true…the world would be screwed!  (Smiling) You’re entitled to your opinion.

Question:  How many times have men said to women, “I don’t want a relationship” and we let it go in one ear and out the other. 

Question:  How many times have men said to women, “I see other women.  You’re not the only one.” And we stay thinking that if we monopolize all of his time and stay relevant, then maybe he’ll forget about her, and then we’re the next playa off the bench.

Question:  How many times have men said to women , “Let’s just enjoy the ride” which translates into..”Damn, why you wanna mess it up by giving it a title cause I’m cool with just smashing” and we continue to let him smash, but get an attitude when he don’t wanna take it to the next level of giving it a title.

One song came to mind as I was writing this and it was “Soon You’ll Understand” by JayZ and ladies if you haven’t heard it..whoa!  The first time I listened to it back in the day it pissed me the hell off, but after revisiting it I believe he says some rather interesting things.  Now, I’m like, “WOW!”

Jay says:

Mmm, you don't understand now be..cause you're cryin, and you hurt

You'll understand soon enough.. soon enough

Take your time when you likin a guy

Cause if he sense that your feelings too intense, it's pimp or die

It must be sad, though it hurts to say

We could never be a item, don't even like him

You deserve better - this is ugly; please don't love me

There's better guys out there other than me

Like a lawyer or a doctor with a Ph.D

We're tryin, really tryin to make it work

I ain't ready, and I told you

It ain't like, I ain't tell you from day one, I ain't shit

When it comes to relationships, I don't have the patience

Now it's too late, we got a little life together

and in my mind I really want you to be my wife forever

But in the physical it's like I'ma be trife forever

A different girl every night forever; told you to leave

but you're stubborn and you love him and,

no matter what despite all the fuckin and the cheatin,

you still won't leave him, now you're grievin

And I feel bad, believe me

I ain't ready, and this ain't easy

Wasn't fair to tell you to wait, so I told you to skate

You chose not to, now look at the shit we gotta go through

What a slap in the face, right?  “It ain’t like I ain’t tell you.”  So, it’s safe to say….it’s not his fault.  Whether men tell women straight out or through their actions..the signs are there and some women choose to ignore them.  They ignore them thinking, “Well, he’s saying that now, but he’ll change his mind.”  But what happens if he doesn’t?  Then you’re walking around like a mad woman because you didn’t get what you wanted; excuse me..because he didn’t give you what you wanted, but hell, he told you what he didn’t want.  He showed you what he didn’t want.  You ignored it.  I’m not talking about those men who tell you, “yes, babe.  We are an item,” and then you find out he’s cheating on you.  No, that qualifies him as a liar, and a cheater.  I’m talking about the men that say, “NO!  A relationship isn’t what I want right now,” and instead of leaving, because you know that you want a relationship, you stay….that’s his fault? No, sweetie.  It’s your fault.  He told you he didn’t want it.  Now, a guy told me that women are POWERFUL creatures (as if any of us had any doubt about that) and can make a man say he’s ready when he KNOWS he’s not, “well, look…let’s just try a relationship and if it doesn’t work, then hey…at least we can say we tried.” But as soon as it doesn’t all hell breaks loose!  “Men don’t know what they want.  Sometimes women have to tell them what they want…convince them.”  Okay, I agree with this to a degree.  It takes men sometime to realize what they want i.e. they have a good woman and don’t know how to treat her and lets her go because Miss New Booty is giving ‘em everything he wants..for the moment.  Then months, years down the line (when he’s matured) he realizes how he messed up by letting the good woman go.  I get that.  On the other hand, I look at it like this.  If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.  It’s like sending a third grader to the ninth grade expecting them to do well.  They’re going to fail!

Not all men play games; a helluva lot of them do, but not all of them do, so at some point we need to take responsibility for our actions.  If a relationship is what we want and it’s not what he wants…we need to find someone who wants what we want.

If he has fifty million other women that he’s seeing and we want to be “the one”; find a man who is ready to settle down with just one woman AND THIS may be hard because you have so many women who don’t mind being the side chic or the chic in the trenches waiting for you to mess up and lose your position so they can slide in (No!  Women don’t do that…lol)

The point I’m making is this.  There are women who claim victims, but in order to be a victim you can’t be guilty.

"You don't understand now, but you will"

What About Him?

Women can sometimes give men a lot of flak about loving them.  We’re quick to ask, “Why you don’t love me, Craig?”  And he doesn’t have to answer because we’ll craft a hundred and one reasons as to why he doesn’t for him.  When the truth is maybe he doesn’t know how to love.  Or maybe he loved so hard in the past that it was taken for granted and he vowed to never fall again.  Does this ever cross your mind?

Women aren’t the only ones who’ve been scarred and damaged.  It’s hard to imagine, but men can be the same way.  The sad thing is that men have it way worse than we do, meaning, as women we have been equipped, designed to endure pain.  Not saying that it’s right for the pain to be inflicted on us because we are, but some things are just unfortunate.  What I am saying is this.  Have you ever looked at or thought about the difference in the way men and women cope when they get sick?  Have you thought for just a second that there's a difference between the way men and women cope with hurt?  I said that just to get you to see where I’m trying to take my next point. 

Men, who have been hurt by some no good-ass woman (and there are plenty of no good-ass women out there) have just as hard of a time healing as those of us women who have been hurt by no good-ass man.  Those women who cheat, lie, manipulate, play mind games, crush hearts, etc.  Oh, yea.  Sometimes we fail to mention this...lol

You have men who love hard.  Men who spoil, pamper, adore, and would do anything for their woman.  Good men.  Good men who get caught up with bad women.  Men whom these manipulative women push into other women's arms then cry, "how could you do this to me, Craig?" (You can deny it if you want, but STOP IT…it happens.  I know women who've done it).  Difference between us and them is they sometimes don’t show or tell they're hurting. Women have social outlets…our girlfriends.  We’ll hold a “Bitch Breathe Session” in a heartbeat.  Call all of our girls and tell them, “Bitch, you won’t believe what this nucca did to me!  He hurt me sooo bad.”  Men…they won’t do that.  A man can be hurt so deep on the inside, but won’t tell a soul!  Okay, he may tell his one homie, his childhood partner, whom he KNOWS won’t tell anyone else, but they have this ego that says.  “You’re a man…men don’t cry” so they don’t utilize the same outlets that women do.  Meaning, regardless of how bad he’s hurting inside.  He probably won’t disclose how deep it really is.  He’ll probably use terms like, “shit, it is what it is; if she wanna go, let her go; naw, dawg…I’m good.”  Some cover their hurt through drinking; others cover their hurt through sex.  Doesn’t matter who she is as long as she can ease and make the pain go away for about thirty minutes; so he won’t have to think about it.  Sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Not saying this is the case for all men, but it happens.  I recall reading an article, or maybe it was a book, that talked about how when good men are hurt they usually end up hurting ten women in return because they don't have any outlets for healing or they're too "manly" to utilize them (admitting to their homeboys that they're hurting).

And how about those men who’ve never experienced love to know how to love you?  How about those men who, like some women, have always been in dysfunctional relationships and bring those learned habits into a functional relationship?  For someone to learn something “new” they have to be taught.  I know I had the hardest time believing that men could be mentally and emotionally abused, but they can.  You have some scandalous women out here.  Women who know they have a good man, but do all the things good women talk about scandalous men doing to them.  Then we wonder why there’s such a shortage of good men.  Shit, they’re just as damaged as women.  It’s because they’re “trapped” in these tangled webs with these crafty harlots who put on the good girl façade, snag them , dig their claws so deep into them, and damage them so they’re no good for the next woman.  Have you ever had a girlfriend whose boyfriend you’ve look at like, “Man, he’s a good dude.  Why are you doing that to him?”  LOL…I have and it’s SAD because men always get the short end of the stick.  No one addresses these women.

NOW…I’m not suggesting that if your man doesn’t love you it’s because he doesn’t know how because there are numerous reasons as to why he may not, but what I am saying is, if he wants to learn; teach him. Musiq said it best in his song Teach Me.  He states, "Our relationship is suffering, trying to give you what I never had.  You say I don't know how to love you babe, well I say show me the way.  I keep my feelings deep inside I, shadow them with my pride, I..I'm trying desperately, baby just work with me..teach me how to love.  Show me the way to surrender my heart, girl I'm so lost…"

Again, I'm not saying the reason why ALL men don't love is this and I'm not saying that you have to believe it.  This is my personal opinion.  BUT..if I can suggest something to you that is this…

Examine the evidence before deciding the verdict.

Breakable or Unbreakable?

How many times do we allow past relationships to dictate our present one? All the time. Will we ever break the cycle? That’s a really good question. I know we’ve all heard the saying or the phrase “hurt people, hurt people.” I asked a few friends, both male and female, did they believe it to be a true statement. One person said yes, they believe it to an extent. That it depends on the level of hurt that particular person endured in the past. Another said, yes, but they don’t believe that it’s intentional. What do you believe?

I believe that hurt people hurt people. Everyone has been in what they consider to be a “not so good” to them relationship. I truly believe that if you’re accustomed to dysfunctional relationships that you tend to bring some of that dysfunctionalism to those relationships you have after that. Whether intentional or unintentional it happens and it’s not fair to the individual on the receiving end. “I believe a person that has been hurt in a relationship situation should take some time to themselves and recover from the wounds that they have received before jumping into something brand new and tainting that situation from the start because of bitterness and issues that they have not overcome yet.”

(Laughing to myself) It’s amazing how many people do the time for somebody else’s crime. How many men walk on eggshells because of what “he” did to her or how many women hold their tongues for fear of saying what “she” said to him. The hurt that a person experiences hinders them or causes them to place a guard around their heart, which is understandable, but you can’t sentence a person who had no involvement in the crime. Not to mention, the walls you've placed in between you and the people whom have hurt you don't as much block them out as it does you in. (MMMPPP!)

A lot of the time people allow the thoughts of “what if” to enter their minds and cause them to think that maybe what they’re experiencing or have isn’t the real thing. “The problem with most of us is that we say things like what if this doesn’t work or what is Plan B, which causes us to sometimes spend more time being concerned with the “what if” and “Plan B” and not focusing hard enough on how to make “Plan A” work." You're focused so much on what you wanna be that you neglect what you are which turns your "road not taken" into "two roads diverged." Then we allow ourselves to miss out on good things and the chance for happiness. How are you ever going to enjoy your “sunshine on a cloudy day” if you won’t move from behind the cloud? Sometimes hurt is the pain of not knowing what to do to heal the hurt and make a difference. Are you willing to take two steps forward only to take ten steps back?

So, my question is this. If hurt people hurt people. What happens to the people they hurt?

Maybe We Should Talk About It...: Cocoon

Maybe We Should Talk About It...: Cocoon: I’ve often wondered what makes a person mess up a perfectly good relationship. Is it because they don’t value the relationship or is it be...

Cocoon

I’ve often wondered what makes a person mess up a perfectly good relationship.  Is it because they don’t value the relationship or is it because they’re so use to being in messed up relationships that it just comes naturally.  Almost second nature.

Damaged goods:  There are so many women who fall under this category.  They’ve been hurt beyond repair and it’s so cliché, but true…it’s not the next man’s fault, but unfortunately it is what it is because she is now the byproduct of what the man (men) before him has done.  She begins to save herself.  She begins to protect herself and be her own heroine.  She places her heart in a cocoon hoping that one day she’ll be able to break free and experience a real love.   Until then, she continues to stay protected and no one can hurt her as long as she knows how far to lower her guard and if perhaps, she lowers it too far; she’ll quickly retract it for fear of being hurt.

What do women really want?  It’s simple.  All women want to be loved.  All women want a man whom they can call their own.  All women want a man whom they feel protected and secure with.  All women want a man whom they can trust.

So, it’s never an issue of women not knowing what they want.  However, the issue damaged women have is being able to openly receive what they want when it’s given to them.  Huh?  I’ll explain.

I told you what women really want.  So, let’s just say she gets him.  She meets a man who’s loving and so willing to love her.  She meets a man who wants to be exclusively hers.  She meets a man who makes her feel protected and secure whether she’s in his presence or not.  She meets a man who she feels she can trust.  Now, what does she do with him?

Initially, she’s on cloud nine.  She has found the man of her dreams.  He’s all she’s ever hoped and dreamed of and more.  Initially, she feels like she deserves him and all that he has to offer her.  Initially, she accepts him with open arms.  But remember…she’s damaged beyond repair so, she suspects it’s too good to be true.  She suspects that he is just like him, but she refuses to let him do the same thing to her as he did.  She refuses to let him have that much access to her heart; leaving herself vulnerable and exposed.  So, what does she do?  She returns to the familiar.  She returns to what she knows.  She returns to her safe zone because this is something she’s never had so she doesn’t truly know what to do with it.  She looks for reasons “why” and looks for “familiar” actions to validate her suspicions.  Ways to sabotage what she really wants.

For some women this is real.  For some women this is a never ending cycle.  For some women it’s going to take a man who recognizes that she is “an angel whose wings have been clipped by a perfectly dressed decoy” and is willing to stay through her healing process.  For her it’s going to take a man whose will to love can penetrate through her chrysalis cocoon without piercing or causing anymore trauma to her damaged heart.

What do women who know what they want and get what they want do when they get it?  “Pray hard and let go of the past. Realize and understand that they deserve happiness.  You deserve him.  Stop selling yourself short and recognize that you have a good man who is willing to help you deal with your insecurities.  Patiently waiting and wanting to love you.  Give him a chance.  Trust yourself and let him love you.”  Stop looking for reasons to stay sheltered in your cocoon.    It’s time to begin molting.  Hope you’re prepared to spread your wings and fly away.  

 “Not all men come for something.  Some come to restore.”

No Friend Left Behind

As I lay in the bed, I began to think about the publication of the book and I kept hearing my friend T.H. in my head saying, "Where God's trying to take you; not everybody can go."  I posed the question to myself of, "Is she talking about my friends and if so, why not?" I mean, some of those friends have been my friends FOREVER! 

One friend in particular has helped me tremendously in my efforts to complete the manuscript.  Anytime I added a new sentence, paragraph, or chapter and asked her to read it for me, she would and did with no hesitation.  The funny thing is she and I have only been friends for a little over six years and on the other hand I have "friends" I've known for over half my life and they've yet to even read it.  (Scratching my head) Interesting...

I'd have snapshots of this (the book publishing)happening and I'd pictured ALL of us sitting in the living room, like one of the episodes of Girlfriends, drinking a glass of wine, laughing, and talking about life, talking about how my dream had finally come to fruition. 

(Laughing) Truth is...I would be so happy if things happened the way I wanted them to happen and when I wanted them to happen, but we all know that it never happens that way.  (Laughing)

I guess my thing is this: 

When we transition from grade school to high school some friends go on with us and some friends do not.  When we transition from high school to college; some friends go on with us and some friends do not.  When we transition from college to adulthood...real life; some friends go on with us and some friends do not. 

Would I be responsible for telling certain "friends", "You know I've thought about it and as much as I hate telling you this...where I'm going, I can't take you with me" or would God make it to where I wouldn't have to say a word? 

I'm just curious because I know me, and if it's left up to me I can see me calling a meeting among my friends and giving a speech stating:  

Friends.  I know it's been a rough time and some of you have been disloyal, talked about me behind my back, lied to me in my face, had little to no faith in me, showed no support and wouldn't even so much as read a page of my manuscript.  You weren't there to give uplifting words, provide a listening ear, give a simple idea or encourage me not to give up, but don't worry my friends.  I am like the school system and this is my promise to you, there will be...


No Friend Left Behind! (LOL..That Was Easy)