Strap-Up or Suit-Up

I know a lot of people wish there was a “Return/Exchange Policy” on baby mama’s and baby daddy’s.  I’m sure there are some folk who wish you could “Build-A-Dad/Mom” like you Build-A-Bear…lmao.  Not that simply.  A lot of people will argue, “that’s why you should be careful who you lay down with….people should stop handing over their goods without checking qualifications first.”  Yea, well…just like a job…somebody could’ve put in a good word, vouched for their character, and because they knew somebody that knew somebody; all the particulars were bypassed.  Not all hookups end in disaster.  Not saying it’s right, just saying shit happens.   We don’t know a person’s story. 

What we do know is that it takes two people to produce a baby (child), and it would only make sense that it would take two people to parent that child.  There are more single-parent households in the U.S. than Lil Tunechi, Drake and Trey Songz have mixtapes.  According to Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2007, released by the U.S. Census Bureau in November, 2009, there are approximately 13.7 million single parents in the United States as of 2010, and those parents are responsible for raising 21.8 million children.  Just imagine what the statistics will look like for 2011.  SMDH…

Now, I’m not writing about the number of single-parent households in the U.S., but, I did want you to be aware of the statistics.

What I am writing about, however, is the lack of participation/partnership by some parent(s). 

What does it mean when parents say they’re “watching their kid(s)?”  As a parent you CAN’T technically “watch” your own child.  That’s an oxymoron.  It amazes me how often you hear about mothers and fathers of children calling the absent parent, or even asking the parent that lives in the same household, if they would “watch” their child while the other goes off to do whatever. 

You have some parents that act like it’s a burden or a bother when you ask them to come and get their son/daughter(s) because there’s something you have to do.  You have some parents that act like it’s a burden or a bother when you ask them to come and get their son/daughter(s) because you just simply need a break.  You’re not asking them to donate a kidney to someone they don’t know; you’re asking them to spend time with THEIR child, you’re asking them to be relevant, you’re asking them to be a parent!

I’ve heard people say, “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes out to dinner” or “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes out to the club” or “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes to the barbershop/beauty salon” or “I’m not watching him/her while he/she goes off to be with him/her.”  (That’s my favorite….lol).

First, of all, take the word “watching” out of the statement and replace it with “spending time.” Now, read those statements over and see how utterly RIDICULOUS they sounds.  My question is this:  What freakin’ difference does it make!?  What does it matter to you where the hell they go or what the hell they do?  All that should matter is that for that time, for that hour, two hours, however long they’re gone, you get to be an active part of your child’s life.  You get to spend time with your child that you may or may not have gotten to otherwise.  You get to be relevant.  You get to be a…ummm…parent!

Then what gets me is when the mama/daddy doesn’t call you to spend time with your child.  What gets me is when “Keisha” or “Craig” says, “Baby, I’ll watch him/her while you go to the store,” and they can say that (watch) because the child(ren) isn’t theirs!

But you better shut the back door!  Shut it, lock it, and nail it down because when the baby mama/daddy gets whiff that you left “their child” with Keisha and Craig…ALL HELL’S GONNA BREAK LOOSE! Now, all of a sudden irrelevant parents want to become relevant.  Now, nonparents want to become parents.  But nooooo….couldn’t get them to play mama/daddy when you needed some “me” time.  Couldn’t get them to play mama/daddy when they should just want to play mama/daddy.  That’s too much like right.

Sooo,  what you mad fo’?  LOL…

But hold, on…because there’s always a flip side to everything. 

I know it’s hard for some people to believe that this parenting thing truly is a life-time commitment and some people, both men and women, just aren’t cut out for it.  Okay, I get it.  However, Keisha and Craig…shouldn’t be over somebody else’s house playing “Daddy Daycare” or “Mommy Make-It Better” to somebody else’s child(ren) when they can’t be mama/daddy to their own. (Got’s to be more careful!)

I said all of that when I really just want to say this.  There comes a time in life where we are forced to grow up and that time comes (or should come) when we have kids, if not before.  No one should have to make you do anything when it comes to you taking care of your responsibilities.  No one should have to make you pay support for someone you helped create.  No one should have to make you spend time with your child (every other weekend, Thanksgiving and ½ the day on Christmas..get the fuck outta here!) that’s something you should want to do.  Whatever “beef” you have with your baby mama/daddy (pending there is one) don’t make the child suffer because of it. 

What I mean by that is: 

·         DON’T NOT SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILD BECAUSE YOU DON’T LIKE HIS MAMA/DADDY (shit, at one time you did..lol). 

·         DON’T NOT SEND YOUR CHILD TO THEIR MAMA/DADDY’S HOUSE AND ALLOW THEM TIME TO SPEND WITH HER/HIM BECAUSE YOU’RE NO LONGER AN ITEM (get over it already…)

·         DON’T NOT SPEND TIME WITH YOUR CHILD BECAUSE YOU WANT TO WATCH THE GAME/REAL HOUSEWIVES OF ATL AND YOUR BABY MAMA/DADDY WANTS TO GO TO THE STORE/SHOOT BALL (sit them down with you or DVR it for later…better yet, catch the rerun..it will come on again)

 Look at these times as opportunities you may not otherwise have.  Cease the moments.

Parenting is a 50/50 responsibility, or at least it should be, whether you’re together, live in the same household, not together, or live separately.  It doesn’t matter and shouldn’t matter because your child is your child.  Don’t become a “non motherfucking factor” because you on some bullshit.  Now, if you’re just not a good parent, you’re just not a good parent and maybe it’s best that you keep your distance, ya know?  But if you’re capable of parenting and you’re simply trying to hurt the other parent or claim you don’t have time…stop with the bullshit, make time to spend time with your child.  Shit, you make time for everything and everybody else.  Make time to spend time with your child(ren)!

Being a parent isn’t something you can simply do one day and decide you don’t wanna do the next.  Well, at least it shouldn’t be, but there are always exceptions…smdh

In closing I want to say this, if parenting isn’t something you’re cut out for you have one of two options:  Strap-up or Suit-up .  If you strap-up then you won’t have to worry about any of the above.  Just remember that failure to strap-up will result in you having to suit- up and if that’s the case, I’ma need you to warm up, because homie you’re up!  Yes, you! You’re on deck!

S/N:  Children are blessings and not burdens.  You are somebody’s child and either you want what you had as a child, for your child, or you want better.  Be an advocate for a healthy destiny and not the opponent of it.

Reference:  Ask,com Single Parent Statistics by Jennifer Wolf; United States. Census Department. Custodial Mothers and Fathers and Their Child Support: 2007. By Timothy S. Grall. Census, 2009. 26 Feb. 2010 [http://www.census.gov/prod/2009pubs/p60-237.pdf].

"Soon You'll Understand"

“Soon You’ll Understand”

 I wrote a note a titled, “The Making of a Superhero” where I talked about brothers who were playing these games with women.  Having us thinking they wanted to be with us, that we were their only one when we were simply one of many, their lies, the manipulation and so forth and so on.  Well, I still feel that there are men that do these things.  Play these type of games and aren’t honest, but what about the ones who are?  What about the ones who “lay it on the table” and “spell it out” for us, but we don’t listen?  What I’m asking is this:

 We’re always wanting men to fess up and take responsibility for their actions, but when do we, and I’m talking about women, accept responsibility for ours?  The role we play in getting our own feelings hurt, because we do play a role.  It’s not always his fault.  Yea, we would like to believe it and we would like to blame it on him because we need someone to blame, and shit, we’re not going to point the finger at ourselves, right?   Of course, not.   Well, not all of us anyways.  But we have to admit that some of us women are just like them.  (Laughing)

Why would we point the fingers at ourselves?  They’re men and men ain’t shit!  We’re the victims, right?  Now, what I’m about to say, yea, there’s a lot that may not agree and that’s okay.  Shoot, at one point in time I didn’t either and this is the reason for the title “Maybe We Should Talk About It” because everybody don’t see everything the same way; from the same POV (point of view), if this were true…the world would be screwed!  (Smiling) You’re entitled to your opinion.

Question:  How many times have men said to women, “I don’t want a relationship” and we let it go in one ear and out the other. 

Question:  How many times have men said to women, “I see other women.  You’re not the only one.” And we stay thinking that if we monopolize all of his time and stay relevant, then maybe he’ll forget about her, and then we’re the next playa off the bench.

Question:  How many times have men said to women , “Let’s just enjoy the ride” which translates into..”Damn, why you wanna mess it up by giving it a title cause I’m cool with just smashing” and we continue to let him smash, but get an attitude when he don’t wanna take it to the next level of giving it a title.

One song came to mind as I was writing this and it was “Soon You’ll Understand” by JayZ and ladies if you haven’t heard it..whoa!  The first time I listened to it back in the day it pissed me the hell off, but after revisiting it I believe he says some rather interesting things.  Now, I’m like, “WOW!”

Jay says:

Mmm, you don't understand now be..cause you're cryin, and you hurt

You'll understand soon enough.. soon enough

Take your time when you likin a guy

Cause if he sense that your feelings too intense, it's pimp or die

It must be sad, though it hurts to say

We could never be a item, don't even like him

You deserve better - this is ugly; please don't love me

There's better guys out there other than me

Like a lawyer or a doctor with a Ph.D

We're tryin, really tryin to make it work

I ain't ready, and I told you

It ain't like, I ain't tell you from day one, I ain't shit

When it comes to relationships, I don't have the patience

Now it's too late, we got a little life together

and in my mind I really want you to be my wife forever

But in the physical it's like I'ma be trife forever

A different girl every night forever; told you to leave

but you're stubborn and you love him and,

no matter what despite all the fuckin and the cheatin,

you still won't leave him, now you're grievin

And I feel bad, believe me

I ain't ready, and this ain't easy

Wasn't fair to tell you to wait, so I told you to skate

You chose not to, now look at the shit we gotta go through

What a slap in the face, right?  “It ain’t like I ain’t tell you.”  So, it’s safe to say….it’s not his fault.  Whether men tell women straight out or through their actions..the signs are there and some women choose to ignore them.  They ignore them thinking, “Well, he’s saying that now, but he’ll change his mind.”  But what happens if he doesn’t?  Then you’re walking around like a mad woman because you didn’t get what you wanted; excuse me..because he didn’t give you what you wanted, but hell, he told you what he didn’t want.  He showed you what he didn’t want.  You ignored it.  I’m not talking about those men who tell you, “yes, babe.  We are an item,” and then you find out he’s cheating on you.  No, that qualifies him as a liar, and a cheater.  I’m talking about the men that say, “NO!  A relationship isn’t what I want right now,” and instead of leaving, because you know that you want a relationship, you stay….that’s his fault? No, sweetie.  It’s your fault.  He told you he didn’t want it.  Now, a guy told me that women are POWERFUL creatures (as if any of us had any doubt about that) and can make a man say he’s ready when he KNOWS he’s not, “well, look…let’s just try a relationship and if it doesn’t work, then hey…at least we can say we tried.” But as soon as it doesn’t all hell breaks loose!  “Men don’t know what they want.  Sometimes women have to tell them what they want…convince them.”  Okay, I agree with this to a degree.  It takes men sometime to realize what they want i.e. they have a good woman and don’t know how to treat her and lets her go because Miss New Booty is giving ‘em everything he wants..for the moment.  Then months, years down the line (when he’s matured) he realizes how he messed up by letting the good woman go.  I get that.  On the other hand, I look at it like this.  If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.  It’s like sending a third grader to the ninth grade expecting them to do well.  They’re going to fail!

Not all men play games; a helluva lot of them do, but not all of them do, so at some point we need to take responsibility for our actions.  If a relationship is what we want and it’s not what he wants…we need to find someone who wants what we want.

If he has fifty million other women that he’s seeing and we want to be “the one”; find a man who is ready to settle down with just one woman AND THIS may be hard because you have so many women who don’t mind being the side chic or the chic in the trenches waiting for you to mess up and lose your position so they can slide in (No!  Women don’t do that…lol)

The point I’m making is this.  There are women who claim victims, but in order to be a victim you can’t be guilty.

"You don't understand now, but you will"

What About Him?

Women can sometimes give men a lot of flak about loving them.  We’re quick to ask, “Why you don’t love me, Craig?”  And he doesn’t have to answer because we’ll craft a hundred and one reasons as to why he doesn’t for him.  When the truth is maybe he doesn’t know how to love.  Or maybe he loved so hard in the past that it was taken for granted and he vowed to never fall again.  Does this ever cross your mind?

Women aren’t the only ones who’ve been scarred and damaged.  It’s hard to imagine, but men can be the same way.  The sad thing is that men have it way worse than we do, meaning, as women we have been equipped, designed to endure pain.  Not saying that it’s right for the pain to be inflicted on us because we are, but some things are just unfortunate.  What I am saying is this.  Have you ever looked at or thought about the difference in the way men and women cope when they get sick?  Have you thought for just a second that there's a difference between the way men and women cope with hurt?  I said that just to get you to see where I’m trying to take my next point. 

Men, who have been hurt by some no good-ass woman (and there are plenty of no good-ass women out there) have just as hard of a time healing as those of us women who have been hurt by no good-ass man.  Those women who cheat, lie, manipulate, play mind games, crush hearts, etc.  Oh, yea.  Sometimes we fail to mention this...lol

You have men who love hard.  Men who spoil, pamper, adore, and would do anything for their woman.  Good men.  Good men who get caught up with bad women.  Men whom these manipulative women push into other women's arms then cry, "how could you do this to me, Craig?" (You can deny it if you want, but STOP IT…it happens.  I know women who've done it).  Difference between us and them is they sometimes don’t show or tell they're hurting. Women have social outlets…our girlfriends.  We’ll hold a “Bitch Breathe Session” in a heartbeat.  Call all of our girls and tell them, “Bitch, you won’t believe what this nucca did to me!  He hurt me sooo bad.”  Men…they won’t do that.  A man can be hurt so deep on the inside, but won’t tell a soul!  Okay, he may tell his one homie, his childhood partner, whom he KNOWS won’t tell anyone else, but they have this ego that says.  “You’re a man…men don’t cry” so they don’t utilize the same outlets that women do.  Meaning, regardless of how bad he’s hurting inside.  He probably won’t disclose how deep it really is.  He’ll probably use terms like, “shit, it is what it is; if she wanna go, let her go; naw, dawg…I’m good.”  Some cover their hurt through drinking; others cover their hurt through sex.  Doesn’t matter who she is as long as she can ease and make the pain go away for about thirty minutes; so he won’t have to think about it.  Sounds crazy, but it’s true.  Not saying this is the case for all men, but it happens.  I recall reading an article, or maybe it was a book, that talked about how when good men are hurt they usually end up hurting ten women in return because they don't have any outlets for healing or they're too "manly" to utilize them (admitting to their homeboys that they're hurting).

And how about those men who’ve never experienced love to know how to love you?  How about those men who, like some women, have always been in dysfunctional relationships and bring those learned habits into a functional relationship?  For someone to learn something “new” they have to be taught.  I know I had the hardest time believing that men could be mentally and emotionally abused, but they can.  You have some scandalous women out here.  Women who know they have a good man, but do all the things good women talk about scandalous men doing to them.  Then we wonder why there’s such a shortage of good men.  Shit, they’re just as damaged as women.  It’s because they’re “trapped” in these tangled webs with these crafty harlots who put on the good girl façade, snag them , dig their claws so deep into them, and damage them so they’re no good for the next woman.  Have you ever had a girlfriend whose boyfriend you’ve look at like, “Man, he’s a good dude.  Why are you doing that to him?”  LOL…I have and it’s SAD because men always get the short end of the stick.  No one addresses these women.

NOW…I’m not suggesting that if your man doesn’t love you it’s because he doesn’t know how because there are numerous reasons as to why he may not, but what I am saying is, if he wants to learn; teach him. Musiq said it best in his song Teach Me.  He states, "Our relationship is suffering, trying to give you what I never had.  You say I don't know how to love you babe, well I say show me the way.  I keep my feelings deep inside I, shadow them with my pride, I..I'm trying desperately, baby just work with me..teach me how to love.  Show me the way to surrender my heart, girl I'm so lost…"

Again, I'm not saying the reason why ALL men don't love is this and I'm not saying that you have to believe it.  This is my personal opinion.  BUT..if I can suggest something to you that is this…

Examine the evidence before deciding the verdict.

Breakable or Unbreakable?

How many times do we allow past relationships to dictate our present one? All the time. Will we ever break the cycle? That’s a really good question. I know we’ve all heard the saying or the phrase “hurt people, hurt people.” I asked a few friends, both male and female, did they believe it to be a true statement. One person said yes, they believe it to an extent. That it depends on the level of hurt that particular person endured in the past. Another said, yes, but they don’t believe that it’s intentional. What do you believe?

I believe that hurt people hurt people. Everyone has been in what they consider to be a “not so good” to them relationship. I truly believe that if you’re accustomed to dysfunctional relationships that you tend to bring some of that dysfunctionalism to those relationships you have after that. Whether intentional or unintentional it happens and it’s not fair to the individual on the receiving end. “I believe a person that has been hurt in a relationship situation should take some time to themselves and recover from the wounds that they have received before jumping into something brand new and tainting that situation from the start because of bitterness and issues that they have not overcome yet.”

(Laughing to myself) It’s amazing how many people do the time for somebody else’s crime. How many men walk on eggshells because of what “he” did to her or how many women hold their tongues for fear of saying what “she” said to him. The hurt that a person experiences hinders them or causes them to place a guard around their heart, which is understandable, but you can’t sentence a person who had no involvement in the crime. Not to mention, the walls you've placed in between you and the people whom have hurt you don't as much block them out as it does you in. (MMMPPP!)

A lot of the time people allow the thoughts of “what if” to enter their minds and cause them to think that maybe what they’re experiencing or have isn’t the real thing. “The problem with most of us is that we say things like what if this doesn’t work or what is Plan B, which causes us to sometimes spend more time being concerned with the “what if” and “Plan B” and not focusing hard enough on how to make “Plan A” work." You're focused so much on what you wanna be that you neglect what you are which turns your "road not taken" into "two roads diverged." Then we allow ourselves to miss out on good things and the chance for happiness. How are you ever going to enjoy your “sunshine on a cloudy day” if you won’t move from behind the cloud? Sometimes hurt is the pain of not knowing what to do to heal the hurt and make a difference. Are you willing to take two steps forward only to take ten steps back?

So, my question is this. If hurt people hurt people. What happens to the people they hurt?

Maybe We Should Talk About It...: Cocoon

Maybe We Should Talk About It...: Cocoon: I’ve often wondered what makes a person mess up a perfectly good relationship. Is it because they don’t value the relationship or is it be...

Cocoon

I’ve often wondered what makes a person mess up a perfectly good relationship.  Is it because they don’t value the relationship or is it because they’re so use to being in messed up relationships that it just comes naturally.  Almost second nature.

Damaged goods:  There are so many women who fall under this category.  They’ve been hurt beyond repair and it’s so cliché, but true…it’s not the next man’s fault, but unfortunately it is what it is because she is now the byproduct of what the man (men) before him has done.  She begins to save herself.  She begins to protect herself and be her own heroine.  She places her heart in a cocoon hoping that one day she’ll be able to break free and experience a real love.   Until then, she continues to stay protected and no one can hurt her as long as she knows how far to lower her guard and if perhaps, she lowers it too far; she’ll quickly retract it for fear of being hurt.

What do women really want?  It’s simple.  All women want to be loved.  All women want a man whom they can call their own.  All women want a man whom they feel protected and secure with.  All women want a man whom they can trust.

So, it’s never an issue of women not knowing what they want.  However, the issue damaged women have is being able to openly receive what they want when it’s given to them.  Huh?  I’ll explain.

I told you what women really want.  So, let’s just say she gets him.  She meets a man who’s loving and so willing to love her.  She meets a man who wants to be exclusively hers.  She meets a man who makes her feel protected and secure whether she’s in his presence or not.  She meets a man who she feels she can trust.  Now, what does she do with him?

Initially, she’s on cloud nine.  She has found the man of her dreams.  He’s all she’s ever hoped and dreamed of and more.  Initially, she feels like she deserves him and all that he has to offer her.  Initially, she accepts him with open arms.  But remember…she’s damaged beyond repair so, she suspects it’s too good to be true.  She suspects that he is just like him, but she refuses to let him do the same thing to her as he did.  She refuses to let him have that much access to her heart; leaving herself vulnerable and exposed.  So, what does she do?  She returns to the familiar.  She returns to what she knows.  She returns to her safe zone because this is something she’s never had so she doesn’t truly know what to do with it.  She looks for reasons “why” and looks for “familiar” actions to validate her suspicions.  Ways to sabotage what she really wants.

For some women this is real.  For some women this is a never ending cycle.  For some women it’s going to take a man who recognizes that she is “an angel whose wings have been clipped by a perfectly dressed decoy” and is willing to stay through her healing process.  For her it’s going to take a man whose will to love can penetrate through her chrysalis cocoon without piercing or causing anymore trauma to her damaged heart.

What do women who know what they want and get what they want do when they get it?  “Pray hard and let go of the past. Realize and understand that they deserve happiness.  You deserve him.  Stop selling yourself short and recognize that you have a good man who is willing to help you deal with your insecurities.  Patiently waiting and wanting to love you.  Give him a chance.  Trust yourself and let him love you.”  Stop looking for reasons to stay sheltered in your cocoon.    It’s time to begin molting.  Hope you’re prepared to spread your wings and fly away.  

 “Not all men come for something.  Some come to restore.”

No Friend Left Behind

As I lay in the bed, I began to think about the publication of the book and I kept hearing my friend T.H. in my head saying, "Where God's trying to take you; not everybody can go."  I posed the question to myself of, "Is she talking about my friends and if so, why not?" I mean, some of those friends have been my friends FOREVER! 

One friend in particular has helped me tremendously in my efforts to complete the manuscript.  Anytime I added a new sentence, paragraph, or chapter and asked her to read it for me, she would and did with no hesitation.  The funny thing is she and I have only been friends for a little over six years and on the other hand I have "friends" I've known for over half my life and they've yet to even read it.  (Scratching my head) Interesting...

I'd have snapshots of this (the book publishing)happening and I'd pictured ALL of us sitting in the living room, like one of the episodes of Girlfriends, drinking a glass of wine, laughing, and talking about life, talking about how my dream had finally come to fruition. 

(Laughing) Truth is...I would be so happy if things happened the way I wanted them to happen and when I wanted them to happen, but we all know that it never happens that way.  (Laughing)

I guess my thing is this: 

When we transition from grade school to high school some friends go on with us and some friends do not.  When we transition from high school to college; some friends go on with us and some friends do not.  When we transition from college to adulthood...real life; some friends go on with us and some friends do not. 

Would I be responsible for telling certain "friends", "You know I've thought about it and as much as I hate telling you this...where I'm going, I can't take you with me" or would God make it to where I wouldn't have to say a word? 

I'm just curious because I know me, and if it's left up to me I can see me calling a meeting among my friends and giving a speech stating:  

Friends.  I know it's been a rough time and some of you have been disloyal, talked about me behind my back, lied to me in my face, had little to no faith in me, showed no support and wouldn't even so much as read a page of my manuscript.  You weren't there to give uplifting words, provide a listening ear, give a simple idea or encourage me not to give up, but don't worry my friends.  I am like the school system and this is my promise to you, there will be...


No Friend Left Behind! (LOL..That Was Easy)

PROBLEM SOLVED

“I know you’ve heard the phrase, “I’ve never been in a habit of keeping someone that doesn’t want to be kept.”  Well, likewise…I’ve never been in a habit of believing a lie even when you say it’s the truth.  Make it make sense to me!  If you fail in your attempt….hey, keep working on it.  Eventually you’ll find someone who may believe the lies you’re feeding them, but I’m like a stubborn baby…you’ll have to force feed it to me and even then – if I don’t like it guess what…I’m not swallowing it!
You make things complicated when they don’t have to be.  You complicate the problem by multiplying a positive situation with negative intentions.   But that’s okay.  Maybe math like “Relationships” wasn’t your strongest subject.  Good thing…the course doesn’t stop after college.  You have your entire life to learn it and possibly pass it.  However, the “Relationships” you develop when you’re younger have a direct influence on the “Relationships” you have when you’re older.  So, in hindsight, if you weren’t good at it then…that would explain why you’re failing at it now.
I’m a little over analytical too ya know?  I will think the stars out of the sky…replaying over and over in my head words formed and spoken, recalling dates and times, placing them all in chronological order according to what YOU said took place.  Your first mistake…never forget what you say.  It may come back to haunt you.
The thing that I don’t get is this…why do men feel they gotta hide the other chics?  Don’t you know we’ve already done our research and our findings are this….they do exist and you ain’t shit!   But we’ll give you a chance to dig yourself a deeper ditch as we plan our Diary of a Mad Black Woman revenge or David Copperfield exit.

It’s such a sad thing when you’re “kicking it” with someone who has no intentions of ever being with you but they don’t communicate this.  Actions and words don’t mix.  But I’ve been told that even the best communicators have issues with communication…..ummm, well I said that to say this… They will drag you along for the ride whether or not you agree to it because at this point…feelings have already manifested..time  invested.  You get hurt and the pain inflicted on you, you carry to the next relationship and end up hurting the person you’re with and not because they deserved it, but because they were the byproduct of the screwed up problem you were placed in.  But you know the best thing about a problem is…there’s always a solution.”
“You should never become a snake unless you like shedding your skin and getting your head chopped off.”

Wow…interesting.

Eluding Karma Excerpt II

Syd sat on the patio waiting for Andrea to arrive.  It was already fifteen minutes after eight and Andrea hadn’t called nor was she answering her cell phone.  Syd looked at her watch.  She picked up her phone to call Andrea for the second time when she saw her coming through the patio door.
“Sorry I’m late girl.  Traffic on 400 was awful.”

“Damn, you could’ve called or something.  You had me sitting here worrying about you; calling and you’re not picking up.”

 “Okay, okay.  I get the picture mother.  I said I was sorry,” she interrupted.  Syd shook her head as Andrea took a seat.
“So, what is it you’ve been keeping secrets about?”  Andrea asked, folding her arms across her chest.  Syd sighed.

 “Okay, lets see.  Where do I start?”

“Somewhere close to the beginning.  The middle is fine, but at some point you’ll have to fill me in on the rest,” Andrea laughed.  Syd cracked a smile as the waitress approached their table.

 “Hi, my name is Syesha and I’m going to be your waitress for tonight.  Can I interest you ladies in something to drink?

 “Yes, can I have a glass of Ménage a Trios please?”

 “And I’ll have the same,” Syd replied.

“I’ll be back in a minute with your wine.”

“Okay, so what’s going on Syd?”

“It’s nothing new, but as soon as I walked in the door Devin called asking me if we could talk about what happened.”

“So did you talk to him?”

“Hell no!  Well, yeah,” she said rolling her eyes.  “I talked to him long enough to tell him that we didn’t have anything to talk about.”  They laughed.  “Girl, he started going on and on about how all he needed was ‘a little attention, some affection and some love.’   Shit, all I needed was a little financial support, but did I cheat on him because he wasn’t giving me that?  Uh, no.  I basically had to tell him that was some bullshit and then I hung up on his ass,” she laughed.

“The nerve of him.  Girl, you’re a good one.  I told you that I didn’t trust him or that hoe anyways.  Any time you work with women and they ask you more questions about your man than you care to answer -  something ain’t right.  Girl, you better start recognizing the red flags.  Beauty shop hoes are so sneaky,” Andrea stated, shaking her head.

“Yeah, I guess I should’ve seen that one coming.  Anybody who calls herself  ‘Miss New Booty’ is definitely screaming hoe.”

Eluding Karma Excerpt

“I have a new man?”
“What! When did this happen?”
“Well, he's not new new. Just fairly new," Syd laughed.
“Aren’t they all?” Andrea replied. “Girl, Curt was getting on my nerves always asking, 'Andrea when you going back to school. You know success is measured by hard work and perseverance," she mimicked. "Girl, I was sick of hard work. I’ve been working like a Hebrew slave since sixteen. When the hell am I going to get a chance to relax? When the hell is someone going to tell the millennium Pharaoh to let his people go? Matter of fact; just tell me who to call. Shit, I’ll tell him.”
“Umm hmm and they're going to tell you to call 1-800-YEA-RIGHT. And after you call them, call me and tell me how that worked out for ya,” Syd laughed then grabbed a towel from her tote. “Come on girl. You’re crazy.”
“Well, what’s up with you? Anything new on the home front called love and romance?” Syd pondered telling Andrea about her newest love interest. She didn’t want her new business to be all over Midtown, Atlanta before the old business had a chance to die down.
“Oh, you know me. All work and no play,” she said motioning for Andrea to sit at the sink.
“Girl, you’re going to be old before your time. You know what?” She paused.
“What?" Syd asked as she adjusted the temperature of the water.
“I know this nice guy. He’s single and he’s probably exactly what you need to help you get over Devin. Mmmppp, I told you that brother was no good for you.” Andrea reclined backwards as Syd began to wash her hair.
“I’m okay. I need a little me time anyways. I don’t want to rush into anything. I’m still vulnerable,” she lied.
“Okay, but if you change your mind.”
“I’ll call you,” Syd interrupted.

BEAUTIFUL LIARS

It seems like the hardest thing now-a-days is to differentiate between fantasy and reality. I think sometimes as humans we want something so bad that we’re willing to lower our personal standards and settle for whatever. Who does that? Clearly no one reading this note does or ever has. Well, if not. Kudos to you! It’s the most heartbreaking thing to know that you’ve given a million and one percent to someone who you thought was deserving of it, but it hurts that much more to know that you’ve been deceived the entire time you were giving. Why do people play so many games? You have guys who claim they want this “good woman,” then they have one standing in their face and they don’t know how to treat her or what to do with her. On the other hand, you have women who claim to want this “good man” but when they get him it’s the same. SMH…you wouldn’t believe how many stories I’ve heard regarding the lies that men tell and how many times I’ve witnessed the same. Men tell lies that they’re quickly caught up in. Nine times out of ten men, when you’re asked a question by a woman she already knows the answer. She simply wants to see if you’re going to tell the truth or a lie. Which rarely do you ever tell the truth which leads to more lying and eventually the woman is left hurt and now there’s this trust issue between the two. Now, I’m writing this note from a woman’s perspective because I don’t know the men’s POV but fellas…you’re more than welcome to chime in….don’t all comment at once though..lol

I’m just going to throw some things out here, okay. One, everybody has a story! I say this all the time and it’s a proven fact. EVERYBODY HAS A STORY! Now, whether they’re willing to tell you what their story is..that’s another note entirely. Without getting so caught up in scenarios (Whew! Don’t I have some) I will simply say this. Life is too short. People who are in relationships trust that their mate is being faithful. If you’re in a relationship, then you should be happy. People who aren’t in relationships trust that they will find someone who is not in a relationship or still hung up over some ex and carrying around old baggage. If you’re still hung up on a ex..resolve that issue first before moving on to the next relationship. There is nothing worse that a man/woman thinking they’re “the one” when they’re not. If you’re not happy, pinpoint what the problem is and work on making things right. Because you’re unhappy, doesn’t mean that you should go out and find a “temporary fix” or a “bandaid” for that unhappiness. That does nothing but complicate the issue.

As soon as you step outside of the relationship and involve a third party (in some people’s cases, fourth and fifth parties), you open up the door for all kinds of issues. Lying being the biggest one in my opinion. NOTE: A liar is worse than a thief, but neither one can be trusted. Then you’re involving someone else’s feelings. They’re investing time and wasting time, on someone who they’re assuming is “single” only to find out they’re not. And they’re not finding out because you’re telling them. They’re finding out by checking blackberry’s, cellphone’s, facebook pages or even hearing it from someone who knows someone who knows the person and you. Come on…LOUISIVILLE IS TOO SMALL…everybody knows everybody. And if they don’t..all they have to do is check your FB friends and see who you know that they know. SMDH!

I have a friend who spends a lot of time with this woman who wanted him as a mate. Now, to me he was saying, “Naw, I don’t like her like that.” I have no idea what he was saying to her because I’m assuming if she knew “he didn’t like her like that” she wouldn’t waste her time. Now, from the outside looking in, you would think that they were a couple. Well, his thing was, “It’s not like that. She knows what it is.” Really? Well, what exactly does she think it is? Because to me the actions don’t match up with the words. So, which does she go by? Does she go by your actions or your words? AND… if she knows what it is and she’s cool with that..why would she settle when she wanted more? AND then, if she’s really cool with it…case closed. End of my argument. DANG ON! I said I wasn’t gonna get caught up in scenarios..oh well. Senario #2: My friend met a dude who she thought was “Mr. Wonderful.” Only to find out that his ex was still in the picture. Now, she was under the impression the ex was history until someone that knew someone that knew someone that knew the chic and him told her. Was she hurt? Yep. Why? She had invested time and energy into a dude who was clearly deceiving her. He had her on an emotional rollercoaster and when she tried to get off he would keep coming back. Now, my question is this..you’re obviously confused. Real women try to make it easy for men by giving them a clear escape, but you leave only to come back. Men, if you know that you really have no intentions of truly being with this woman why come back? I’ve been told that men come back because we’ve left the window open. So, if you knew you were going to come back..why’d you leave in the first place? And if the woman is a good woman and you have bad intentions of ruining this good woman, what kind of man does that make you? I disagree with the window being open because even if the window wasn’t open you’d still come back. It’s just easier for you to get back because the window’s still ajar. But what happens when what use to be a warm love on a summer’s day turns into a icy heart on a winter’s night? She’ll eventually close her window.

Scenario #3: Lastly, my friend…can you call these “Desperate Housewives of Louisville. This stuff sounds like Rodeo Drive..lol” My friend met, briefly dated, then quickly found herself n a relationship with a NEW man who appeared to be different from the other men: Liars, players, manipulators. He was a hard-worker, decent provider, picture-perfect, family-oriented man. She had what she thought was "the one" Through all the heartache, stress, and disappointment of the others she believed God had finally sent her "him." The one her heart secretly desired. He had all the things she wanted in her husband as well as things she never even thought of. Being that it felt so “Fairytalish” she had her doubts because he did show signs of potential betrayal, and disloyalty, but she was so caught up and blinded by the love that she didn’t take heed to all the yellow “caution” tape or red “danger” signs.

He was just like all the others...a liar, a player, a manipulator, a user, abuser…Naw, that made him worse. In the words of Lil Wayne & Drake "he liked her, he liked her too, he like her, THEY LIKED HIM TOO” He was exactly what Chakira and Beyonce wrote the song about..a BEAUTIFUL LIAR, but she loved him so much that she believed his lies even when the bullshit was transparent. She busted him with over 15 girls via text, email, chats, face to face, voice to ear, two-way, three-way, Cricket, Boost Mobile, AT&T, Sprint…okay..back to business. LOL. She admitted that he was a player of all players. By the time the truth came out it was too late because her mind, heart,& body were so entangled in him that she couldn’t leave and although SHE TOLD HIM EVERYTHING HE WAS DOING (yes, she told him) he still didn’t change. Guess this question would be, “If you could have your cake and eat it too, why leave the bakery?

Just when she thought she had found "the one" and was in the “perfect” (there’s no such thing as perfect) relationship, she woke up and found herself in a game. She found herself in a game where the “MVP” (her) got benched and the “Coach” (him) wifed the “Water Girl” (girlfriend#2), yet he still expected to win? What part of the game is that? Ummm…look. I’m calling an official time out. Coach! Coach! I quit..I’m taking myself out of the game. Give yourself a tech for Unsportsmanlike conduct. You can keep your trophy, your final four t-shirt and your championship ring. I think I was just fine when I was a free agent..lol. Okay. I play way too much. But seriously.

In this case I guess you have to be careful what you pray for because God isn’t the only one who hears your prayers. Satan sent her a well dressed decoy..a beautiful liar..who single-handedly clipped the wings of an angel.

So, to end this all. Men. If you have a good chic and you know she’s a good chic who has your back when no one else will. Is that not enough for you? Is it fair for you to have a woman on standby while some “ex” has you on pause until she decides whether she wants you or not? Or if you have plated, a German Chocolate Cake...I mean it’s yours! You picked it, but you’re looking at cookies, chocolates, and brownies that are passing by. Are you telling me that you’d sacrifice the German Chocolate Cake, which has all the ingredients in one, for one which lacks all the rest?

I guess my final question is: What part of the game is this? I think I'm going to call it "An Official Time-Out."

The Making Of A Superhero

I know I’m about to piss some people off , men in general, but oh well.  What’s that term y’all use.  “It is what it is.”  Let me begin by saying that my heart bleeds for my sista’s who are in situations with men that seem to be going nowhere fast because of whatever reason.  Other men will always tell us, "If he ain’t no good, leave him alone then,” but what they don’t realize is, it’s easier said than done.  Because of who we are and how we’re made, sometimes we can’t simply give up or let go that easy and it depends on how deeply tied we are to the individual.  It takes a lot of time, support, prayer and ultimately God’s divine intervention for us to walk away from certain situations.  So, without further ado, here goes.  Many black women, not all, but many, are extremely sick and tired of being sick and tired of men and these mind games and games in general that they’re playing.  Now, you can dispute that women play games too.  Yea, but this is my note and I’m talking about YOU!  With that being said I’ll begin by saying this.  Our biggest issue with men is that they lie.  We despise liars.  There’s no reason for it and one lie leads to another lie which leads to a mountain of lies that you eventually become trapped underneath of and then you wonder why we’re looking at you looking at us as you’re trying to figure out, “how the hell did I get myself into this, but better question…how am I going to get out?”  Then you wonder why we’re walking around all the time with a built in attitude.   It’s because of YOU!

“The mind games are, have been and will continue to be the number one cause of any argument and disagreement between both men and women.”   But why would a person inflict emotional pain on a women, knowingly?  Do they not know that it’s wrong?  And when they do, do they pick women who they see as vulnerable or easy prey,  opposed to one that is “less injured?”  I guess it’s safe to say that these men do this to women for the same reason cats play with their prey before they eat it…for the sick thrill of watching them struggle.
There are a lot of men who are knowingly playing these games with women who supposedly "know what it is" and the truth is..NO THEY DON’T.  You have several different women that you’re seeing, but neither one knows about the other.  Does that make you a player?  On the contrary.  When you’re a player, you don’t have to hide one female from the other.  She knows about her, who knows about her, who knows about she and you tell them all, “either you’re in or you’re out.”  My biggest gripe is this.  You’re playing a dangerous game that may not have the most beautiful of endings  You don’t know what the female you’re “playing” has been through.  You don’t know what type of emotional state she’s in or how many of “you’s” she’s had to deal with in the past and you may be the straw to catapult her straight into her starring role of, “Snapped.”
Sad to say, but you may not have even been her number one draft pick, but she saw potential in you and decided to give you a chance.  Then what happens?  All the skeletons you had barricaded behind your four walls, one by one, start appearing in the oddest of places.  So, then not only does time reveal that you’re a liar, but a cheat.  You’re running around sleeping with this one and that one, not worried about the consequences of sleeping around.  STD’s aren’t the most serious thing you should be worried about when doing this.  You should be more concerned about the “sexual soul ties” that you create when you jump in the bed from one woman to the next.  You’re opening up a “portal” which allows this transference of all kinds of stuff.  Because little do you know…every time you sleep with a woman that is not your woman…you take a piece of her with you and so as the next woman and the next woman and the next woman you sleep with.  Then you’re wondering why your woman is arguing, cussing, acting a little freakier than she has been in the past and doing things she hadn’t done before.  It’s not because she’s been sleeping around (although I wasn’t there) but it’s because one of the women you slept with which were confrontational, potty mouths, and very freaky girls and you transferred what they were to your woman.  You wonder why now you’re depressed and having panic and anxiety attacks where you never had before.  (Sigh and shaking my head)  This is so much deeper than not wanting you to cheat on us.  Now, maybe you’ll think before you creep.  (Laughing) Men, claim to want a good woman, then get one and have her believing that she’s the love of their life only to find out that they’ve told the other (5) five females that very same thing.

Women are emotional enough as it is, but to add insult to injury, you want to play with our minds?  GET OUT OF HERE!  I gotta ask…Will all the good men please comment, “I AM ONE OF THE FEW GOOD MEN LEFT IN THE WORLD?”  Men, come on!  If you don’t want to be with a woman, by all means.  Tell her that!  The longer you go on with this game of “Well, I don’t want her, but the sex is good, she can cook, she got a good job and she can take care of  herself.  Ohh, ohh!  Plus, she’s helping me out.  Naw, I think I’ll hold on to her.  She’s not who or what I want, but I’m sure not going to let nobody else have her,” the more dangerous she becomes.  You’re damaging this woman’s spirit!  Some of you have sisters, mothers even,  whom men have done this very thing to and how many times have you posed the question of, “How long are you going to continue to let him do you like this?”
AWWW….that’s awful hypocritical of you. They’re going to let him do it to them as long as you continue to do it to us.


I know some of you are reading this and will apply it to you, me, him, them, but no…this is about US!  Either the women reading can apply something in this note to them or the men reading can apply something in this note to them, but something in this note applies to everybody and if it hasn’t at some point in your life…God bless you.
My girls and I are always discussing you, men.  Whether it’s in the comfort of our own home, via text, email, beauty shop talk, whatever.  You’d be surprised at how many of you have been the common denominator to a lot of our problems.  (Laughing out loud).  I’m trying to figure out and maybe someone will be bold enough to answer this for me, but why do you need such a variety of women?  If it’s insecurity, get over it!  No real woman should have to validate a real man 24 hours a day!  If you want a variety, get a bag of skittles.  Shoot, at least then you’ll be able to taste every flavor of the rainbow!  (Shaking my head)
Look, there are women out here, sad to say, that don’t mind sharing, that don't mind being second, that don't mind being used.  Pick one of them.  When given the opportunity, anybody can be a star.  But those good women.  The ones that want a man that has done all of his playing and has gotten all of his “gaming” out of his system.  The one who has his championship ring and is ready to go into retirement.  The one who knows that he has a woman who loves him, values him as a man and would do anything in the world for him.  That’s what we good women are looking for.  So, if there are any out there…hey.  I’m accepting applications!  (Just kidding.. I’m waiting on God) I posted the question on my status a week or so ago, “What makes a woman a good woman?” and a few men commented.  Every man has their own definition of what a good woman is.  Ponder on that for a second.  Now, answer this.  If you have all of those qualities in this one woman, why do you need more than one?


I’ll end this note by saying this:

You have a good woman, one who will “lift you up and not tear you down.”  One who, when she met you, you were “Clark Kent,” but by the time she was finished loving you, you were “Superman.”  “Is there anything that you’re going to do/give to make her feel like she's more than average?  That she's more than special?  What makes her different?  Because the making of a superhero requires a lot of work” and nobody is willing to work a “Mean 16” if they’re not reaping the rewards of it.  I’m just saying.  Don’t hate the messenger.

Limitless

Today I had a little talk with myself.  I asked myself why it had taken me so long to do something I could've done a long time ago.  I wasted years in idle mode; waiting on others to do what I was capable of doing myself.  Those are years that I won't and cannot get back.  Years where I could've been productively working, but I chose to "take a break" from doing what I loved.  You see I would have these, what I called, inspired and uninspired moments, which caused some untimely delays.  Unexplainable delays to be honest. Now, don't get me wrong.  There were days that I worked nonstop and my creative juices just flowed, but there were also times that I was so lackadaisical that I couldn't even motivate myself to pick up a pen to form one sentence on paper, let alone create a thought in my mind that people would find interesting.  Shoot, I even ventured out into other areas of the arts.  I loved it, but it didn't give me the same satisfaction as this does.  A friend once told me that some people are scared of success.  I don't think that's the case for me.  I don't think I'm as much scared of success as I am failure.  Hmpf, now that I think about it; fear of failure is what keeps so many from attaining their dreams.  Fear is the main factor that limits ones options or keeps them from even trying to succeed.  Ummm...well, you wanna know what else I did today?  I took the next step!  It's true what they say, that at times we have to encourage ourselves.  When there's no one in your corner cheering you on...you have to encourage yourself.  You have to be the one who tells you that you can do it.  You have to be the one who tells you that you're going to make it.  You have to be the one who tells you that no matter what he/she says or what they do..you can and will succeed.  You have to be the one who tells you that there are no boundaries...no limits to what you can achieve and/or become because it is when we become fearless that our opportunities become limitless.

Friends and Relationships

The first thing we want to do when we enter into a new relationship is tell our closest and best friend(s).  We assume because we're happy and estatic about finding a new love interest that they should be too, but what if they're not?  I mean, what if they're full of negative remarks such as: "He/she isn't your type", "I don't know about him/her.  Be careful", or if you're really feeling the person, "Take your time.  Don't move too fast?"
Friends, for the most part, do and/or should have your best interest at heart.  However, there are some friends who are yet to have a "serious" relationship so, how credible is the advice they give to you when they don't even have a man/woman of their own?  This is one of the happiest times of your life and all you want is for your friend to share the moment with you.  Well, sometimes that's just not possible.  Some people have never experienced that level of happiness to know how to be happy for others. 

When it comes to friend(s) are there certain things that you shouldn't share with them about your relationship?  Are there certain things that you don't care to share because you don't truly trust them?  If so, are these people you call "friends" truly your friend(s)?

September 11th

Today marks the 10th Anniversary of September 11th. As I watch the footage and listen to the stories; ten years later I'm still teary eyed and my heart sorrowful. So many people lost their lives and never even knew it was going to happen. God bless all of the families who lost loved ones on this day ten years ago. I pray that you find peace in God and that He continues to mend and restore your broken heart. 

It's Almost Time

When you're working on a project sometimes it seems as if it takes forever for you to complete it.  You sometimes get impatient and want to give up because you're so frustrated with the wait.  Some of us do give up and/or push the project to the side only to come back to it at a later date.  We've all heard the old saying, "good things come to those who wait" and many are blessed with patience, but many are not.  However, for those of us who aren't; you CAN'T get impatient and you CAN'T give up.  Your project is your baby.  Carry it, nurture it, give birth to it and watch it grow.  I've carried my "baby" long enough.  I'm ready to give birth.  So, stay tuned because....

It's Almost Time!